The Struggle is Real

Anyone who said that having kids with learning differences is easy is retarded! Anyone who raises children without family or friends is a saint! As a parent, it would have been nice to know what to look for! 

So one day your bumping and bouncing along, this beautiful creature that is half you and half your husband is filing away the rough pieces in you because you're finding patience that you didn't know existed and then you wonder 'why'? Why am I having to change my plans? Why am I having to be more patient with her than her siblings? Why am I treating her differently than her siblings in every situation? And then it hits you! It's this NEON light that you weren't prepared for that turns on in a dark room. It takes you a moment to refocus your eyes and a moment for your mind to catch up with what your eyes sees but then it suddenly makes sense. This beautiful creature, the one that is caring, loving, optimistic, & encouraging, is only this way sometimes. All the rest of the time it is not behavioral but a mechanism in her brain that shuts down and says that in this instant or moment it is too hard and 'I' don't like it so I'm going to shut down, get sad, become negative, and cry. And suddenly, she's not who you thought she was.

This has been my struggle for the last couple years. I've watched my daughter become aware of her surroundings and other children her age and realize she's different and not able to do some of the things that they do. It makes those moments of insecurity even worse than before and breaks my heart. I hope that when she is older and if her and her sisters ever read this they will realize how hard I tried to be fair. I hope they realize how hard I pushed and fought my way through an issue that is not highly documented & not deemed deserving of educational services. I hope they realized that I loved them all the same but their sister needed me to work harder for her than they did because their curiosity and drive helped them excel in school. If I could say one thing to all my girls it would be this: I love you all the same now and forever. Nothing you have done or do will change that but there are moments where it may seem like I love one more than the other because you see a moment and don't remember I did that with you...well I have! I have stayed up with all of you when you were sick. I have worked on school work (private or homeschool) with all of you. I've cleaned your diapers and noses. I've slept with you on a small bed or on the floor to help ward off the bad dreams. I've done it all but at this moment, I am doing it with your middle sister. 

And now after all this, I've fought this child to the front of the line. I'm paying for private services because medical won't cover it. I'm running around to different services and activities so you can do "school" & socialize with others. But now I'm trying to figure other things out that will or might help you and I'm afraid to try. It could be our saving grace or push you over the edge. Right now you think these therapies are school, which I guess they are (technically), but for how long? And if you realize these are therapies and not school...will this tip you towards aspergers? Right now you're walking a thin line. If I get you a service dog will your sisters understand? 

What is the right choice? Who knows the right answer? I don't...but I'll continue to push, and fight, and ask questions in hopes that the answer will appear like the first neon light that guided me to Ms. Jen, Ms. Judith, Ms. Sue, & Ms. Mary.

Thank you to all 4 of you for being patient, answering my questions, & doing "school" with my child!